Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke!
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?!
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
5:37 PM me: dunno
5:38 PM 2nd to last=true dat
5:40 PM Yang: A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to
his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and
his lawyer. '-I know,-' he says, 'they say 'you can't take it with
you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have
something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an
envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be
grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so
that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.' They each
agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the
old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is
seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the
three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and
says, '-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the
hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT
SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I
took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest
in the coffin as he asked.-'
At this the priest says, '-I, too have a confession to make. As you
know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless.
The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took
$50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in
the coffin as our friend requested.-'
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says '-I am astonished
and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn
undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his
coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-'
5:42 PM me: lol
smart lawyer
5:45 PM The Paratrooper
A paratrooper was scared to jump. His instructor told him, "If
anything goes wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha' and you will be saved."
The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So
he said, "Buddha oh Buddha," and a hand came out and saved him.
He said, "Thank God," and he was dropped.
5:46 PM Walking on water
Three monks decided to practise meditation together. they sat by the
side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly,
the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped
miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake
to their hut on the other side.
When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put
my the other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water
and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two
carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities.
"Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you
two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to
walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.
Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to
sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried,
each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the
other two monks watched.
After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you
think we should tell him where the stones are?"
Yang: Early one morning, God and Satan were walking along a country
road discussing theology. Actually, Satan was doing most of the
talking. God had been through this many time, and so He didn't really
see any point in wasting his breath. In order to transmit the
Teaching, the timing must right and the other must be receptive.
All of the sudden God rushed ahead. Something had caught his eye and
he stooped low to pick it up from the dirt by the wayside. Huffing and
puffing, not being nearly in such good shape, Satan finally caught up
with Him. And there he saw God standing, holding something gently,
like a fragile bird in His hands – but which was more radiant than the
sun.
"What have you got there?"
God fixed his eye on him and said slowly: "This is Truth."
"Here, b-b-boss, let me have that. And I-I-I'll organise it for you!"
5:47 PM me: whats so funny 'bout that?
5:48 PM Yang: Religious joke
Meh
me: like my 2?
Yang: Yep
One day, Satan walked up to Jesus and said "Hey Jesus, I bet I can
use a computer fast than you"
Jesus said "We will have a contest to choose the winner. My Father
will judge it."
God said "Whoever can do the most work in 10 minutes wins. GO!"
Immediatly Jesus and the Devil start working. They staring doing
presentations and writing documents and surfin the web and all kinds
of stuff. About 9 minutes in, there is a power lose and both computers
shutdown. They reboot and they start working again. When the 10
minutes are up, God said "Jesus is the winner."
The devil starts throwing a fit. "Thats not fair! The power went out
and all my work was lost!'
God said "Sorry Satan, but Jesus saves"
5:49 PM That was based on a real-life event. Some guy was viewing a
picture called Jesus.jpg on his cellphone. He wanted to exit and it
told him "Jesus not saved. Save now?".
me: lol
how traumatic
5:51 PM Yang: A paratrooper was scared to jump. His instructor told
him, "If anything goes wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha' and you will be
saved."
The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So
he said, "Buddha oh Buddha," and a hand came out and saved him.
He said, "Thank God," and he was dropped.
Wait
Wrong link
http://www.modelboatmayhem.co.uk/Common/Images_Jokes/toiletstolen.jpg me:
http://www.serve.com/cmtan/buddhism/Lighter/shortstories.html5:53 PM Yang: I have a question
If computer capacities had gotten way higher
me: what
Yang: why don't you install windows 98 on a brand new computer
and run classic games on it
It'd be HAXX
5:54 PM me: ...sorta stupid question, windows XP is much better, 98
can't really run the newest crap.
Yang: ...
Think about it
those apps run on a computer with 2MB of RAM
now we have 2GB rams
5:55 PM old applications run...1k times better?
me: so why switch to 98?
Yang: The Man From Microsoft
There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.
"Not you again," I said.
"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."
Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows
95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince
every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some
would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had
bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human
Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was
at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.
"No," I said.
"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows
95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."
"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go
bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who
doesn't have a copy."
"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."
"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I
said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own
Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who
have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there
are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."
The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.
"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"
"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on
about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our
records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."
"People without computers?"
"Got 'em."
"Amazonian Indians?"
"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."
"The Amish."
"Check."
"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get
them to buy a computer operating system?"
"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box,"
the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all
going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for
a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he
said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."
"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you
expect me to do it, too?"
"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."
"No."
"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell
you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it
on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.
"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And
frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean,
it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But
you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."
"It did."
"Pardon?"
"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button
access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."
"So what happened?"
"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard
drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway,
we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."
"Go away," I said.
"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."
"You have got to be kidding," I said.
"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish!
Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been
had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania
again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's
embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the
product. It's embarassing to BILL."
"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.
"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of
those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one
of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a
pile of grey ash."
"He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95
by accident."
"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man
said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me
no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you
handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How
does Montserrat sound?"
"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."
"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.
"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of
Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the
market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do
then?"
The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.
"'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?"
"There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.
I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a
laser, and then nothing.
5:56 PM Uh, if you read the borg joke
You'd understand why
5:59 PM me: borg joke?
Yang: The first one I sent you
you said you saw it already
6:00 PM me: oh the star trek one
Yang: It makes fun of windows
me: i no
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